I loved this letter so much. The line: We adults have been parenting you from a place of anxiety — could not ring more true. What would be amazing is if a societal shift in this direction happens, rather than just outliers.
I often think to myself these days about what I would have done differently in the last 20 years if I’d know that everything was going to be okay. And what would I do differently now if I believed that to be true for the future?
Hey friend, how about “you are the product,” we tweak to our L+D fellow mantra of “you are the project”?
I’ve been thinking a lot about the projects in my life that have gone unfinished, half started, or still in my brain for years and years…at work, in my garden, around the house, in my “books to write” files. Then I stop and think about the *projects* I most care about: the ones that take tending but also benign neglect, and the wisdom to know which one when. They are 16 and 13 (and the reason the other projects are on the back burner). Roadtrips, chauffeuring, unseen orchestration of family schedules. Cellos and skis to the right place at the right time. Concert clothes that fit. Casual questions about school work and friendships but otherwise pretending I don’t care. Some well timed ice cream trips. And lots of good TV, music, church, and books together. If I think of them as my projects, but coach them to start shifting to self-cultivators, I think that’s a good thing…but I think I’d rather them come up with their own external projects themselves that are likewise relational, as you suggest about the best of college life and I am suggesting about the rhythms of family life. I fear the more we encourage projects/products about self and identity exclusively (instead of a byproduct of something outside ourselves) the more we reinforce exactly what you are worried about—the culture that suggests self-construction is the key to their wellbeing, which can be just as anxiety-producing than whether or not AI will eliminate their job-prospects. (But these anxieties have always been there in college: what will I major in—the thing my parents want or I want? Do I live here or there? Do I go to class or sleep in? Who will take care of me if I’m not at home? Will I be loved? Who will I love?) What I hope for my kiddos, and even for myself, is a continued lifetime of projects that are meaningful for myself and undertaken with others. With that, I’m going to finish my grading and head out soon(ish) on that summer roadtrip with “the projects” and see where it takes us. (And congratulations, proud momma, for this big milestone. Such an end of an era, and look what your wise words have, once again, elicited in this lovely space…)
This letter was beautifully written. As a mom who now has had her own 3 “launch”, the one thing I can share is that my kids’ after college years were nothing like we, or they, expected, but were so much better. Not that there weren’t hurdles and that it didn’t take them so much longer to find employment, but the journey itself added so much to who they have become - and are still becoming.
I would love to get together with you sometime for coffee and to chat! It’s been many years since we last spoke, but I feel like we connected back at FPCMet. Congratulations to your family on this next exciting chapter for your daughter!
Thank you, Jen! It would be great to catch up sometime for sure. It’s also so very helpful to be reminded that other young adults have faced uncertainty like this and persevered, finding paths in new and unexpected ways!
Rebekah, this wrecked me a little and my kids are nowhere near graduation. I'm watching it start in third grade already, where a B gets treated like a crisis. The part about AI sidling up when they're tired and offering to make the problem go away is the one that really resonates with me, because I do the same thing to myself at 9pm with a grocery app. We're handing them the shortcut and the anxiety in the same gesture.
There is also another way of thinking about the anxiety part, which comes from constantly being surveilled. That was what my older child (not the one who just graduated) said upon reading an earlier draft of this piece. A state of constant surveillance – whether by parents, apps, or social media followers — also adds to our collective anxiousness. They’re all there promising to be helpful (like your grocery app) but all the while mining us for information.
oh 1000%, I think this starts with the Nanit's in kids beds and then goes to live 360 from there, it gives this false sense of control when in reality it's too much information imo
Beth, there is so much wisdom in what you say here, and now I want to revise the essay to make exactly the clarification that you point out: that the most self centered notion of “I’m working on myself” can devolve into another version of the achievement arms race that’s so at odds with the authentic flourishing that we want for our children. Thank you so much for your beautifully written and thoughtful contribution!
I loved this letter so much. The line: We adults have been parenting you from a place of anxiety — could not ring more true. What would be amazing is if a societal shift in this direction happens, rather than just outliers.
I often think to myself these days about what I would have done differently in the last 20 years if I’d know that everything was going to be okay. And what would I do differently now if I believed that to be true for the future?
This letter slayed me. What an incredible gift not just for the graduate but for to the rest of us. ❤️
Hey friend, how about “you are the product,” we tweak to our L+D fellow mantra of “you are the project”?
I’ve been thinking a lot about the projects in my life that have gone unfinished, half started, or still in my brain for years and years…at work, in my garden, around the house, in my “books to write” files. Then I stop and think about the *projects* I most care about: the ones that take tending but also benign neglect, and the wisdom to know which one when. They are 16 and 13 (and the reason the other projects are on the back burner). Roadtrips, chauffeuring, unseen orchestration of family schedules. Cellos and skis to the right place at the right time. Concert clothes that fit. Casual questions about school work and friendships but otherwise pretending I don’t care. Some well timed ice cream trips. And lots of good TV, music, church, and books together. If I think of them as my projects, but coach them to start shifting to self-cultivators, I think that’s a good thing…but I think I’d rather them come up with their own external projects themselves that are likewise relational, as you suggest about the best of college life and I am suggesting about the rhythms of family life. I fear the more we encourage projects/products about self and identity exclusively (instead of a byproduct of something outside ourselves) the more we reinforce exactly what you are worried about—the culture that suggests self-construction is the key to their wellbeing, which can be just as anxiety-producing than whether or not AI will eliminate their job-prospects. (But these anxieties have always been there in college: what will I major in—the thing my parents want or I want? Do I live here or there? Do I go to class or sleep in? Who will take care of me if I’m not at home? Will I be loved? Who will I love?) What I hope for my kiddos, and even for myself, is a continued lifetime of projects that are meaningful for myself and undertaken with others. With that, I’m going to finish my grading and head out soon(ish) on that summer roadtrip with “the projects” and see where it takes us. (And congratulations, proud momma, for this big milestone. Such an end of an era, and look what your wise words have, once again, elicited in this lovely space…)
This letter was beautifully written. As a mom who now has had her own 3 “launch”, the one thing I can share is that my kids’ after college years were nothing like we, or they, expected, but were so much better. Not that there weren’t hurdles and that it didn’t take them so much longer to find employment, but the journey itself added so much to who they have become - and are still becoming.
I would love to get together with you sometime for coffee and to chat! It’s been many years since we last spoke, but I feel like we connected back at FPCMet. Congratulations to your family on this next exciting chapter for your daughter!
Thank you, Jen! It would be great to catch up sometime for sure. It’s also so very helpful to be reminded that other young adults have faced uncertainty like this and persevered, finding paths in new and unexpected ways!
Rebekah, this wrecked me a little and my kids are nowhere near graduation. I'm watching it start in third grade already, where a B gets treated like a crisis. The part about AI sidling up when they're tired and offering to make the problem go away is the one that really resonates with me, because I do the same thing to myself at 9pm with a grocery app. We're handing them the shortcut and the anxiety in the same gesture.
There is also another way of thinking about the anxiety part, which comes from constantly being surveilled. That was what my older child (not the one who just graduated) said upon reading an earlier draft of this piece. A state of constant surveillance – whether by parents, apps, or social media followers — also adds to our collective anxiousness. They’re all there promising to be helpful (like your grocery app) but all the while mining us for information.
Wise dude. It’s like he’s learning something in his humanities classes in college!
oh 1000%, I think this starts with the Nanit's in kids beds and then goes to live 360 from there, it gives this false sense of control when in reality it's too much information imo
Beth, there is so much wisdom in what you say here, and now I want to revise the essay to make exactly the clarification that you point out: that the most self centered notion of “I’m working on myself” can devolve into another version of the achievement arms race that’s so at odds with the authentic flourishing that we want for our children. Thank you so much for your beautifully written and thoughtful contribution!