Moms Need Hobbies, Too
A conversation about choirs and connection with Melinda Wenner Moyer
This week I’m thrilled to be interviewing the writer and science journalist Melinda Wenner Moyer! I have come to admire her work over the past year or so, when I discovered her popular Substack newsletter called Now What? Among other things, Melinda writes about the research on parenting – along with her own experiences as a parent – with the perfect balance of scientific rigor, common sense, and relatable humility.
Her latest book is called Hello, Cruel World: Scientific Strategies for Raising Terrific Kids in Terrifying Times, and even though my kids are almost grown, I found many things in the book that were still useful for parenting older teens, and much of it resonated with my own observations about my kids and their friends when they were younger.
So I’m super excited to be chatting with Melinda this week, but not to talk about her research (at least, not primarily). Instead, I want to talk with Melinda about…..choirs! She had mentioned in some of her posts over the past year that she recently joined a community choir, and since I just wrote a book about kids (especially boys) and choirs, I wanted to pick her brain about her own experience as a singer.
You’re clearly a busy person juggling a number of balls at once. So what led you to decide to add membership in a community choir to the mix?
I’ve always stayed very busy with work and parenting, but I realized a couple of years ago that I basically had no hobbies. I’ve written about this in my Substack — the fact that men (and dads) often have more hobbies than women (and mothers) do, and that women’s hobbies tend to take place inside the home, whereas men’s hobbies take them out of the home. I realized that this was not okay! So I thought about what I loved doing and what I missed having in my life, and singing very quickly came to mind. At around the same time, I stumbled across an article in my local paper about a new community choir, and I realized that there were opportunities to sing all around me. I didn’t join that particular choir, but I did some research that led me to discover another local choir, which is the one I’m in now.
Were you involved with music in some way during an earlier phase of your life?
Yes! I first joined a choir in the fourth grade, and I was in a choir or small singing group until I graduated from college. In high school I was actually in three different singing groups. I have always loved singing with others.
Tell us a little bit about the choir that you’re in. What do you like most about it?
I love the experience of making music with other people. I’m an introvert and I don’t enjoy unstructured social situations (cocktail parties are my worst nightmare!). But I do crave connection, and I learned early on in my life that choirs were a wonderful way to connect with other people without having to make small talk. I also love the physical experience of it — using my body and breath to make music, and doing that with others. There’s really nothing like it. It brings me so much joy and serenity. I can go into a choir rehearsal in a terrible mood and by the end, I am always so much happier.
I also regularly sing karaoke at local bars. I think karaoke is hugely underrated! I’ve met so many wonderful people doing it. Everyone’s having fun and very supportive; I love the atmosphere of positivity and camaraderie.
You’d mentioned you were taking a break from the choir this fall due to the competing pressure of kids’ athletics schedules. Have you been able to go back yet?
Yes! I rejoined this winter. I’m so happy to be back!
In my book about youth choirs, one of the things I write about is how it feels almost compulsory now to introduce kids to different athletic opportunities, especially when they’re in grade school, but that we don’t usually see the same pressure to ensure that kids explore the arts. Does that ring true for you, too? And if so, why do you think that’s the case?
Yeah, that’s so interesting. I knew I wanted to introduce my kids to music early on because of my own musical experiences. So both of my kids have taken private music lessons. But you’re right that their friends were much more commonly involved in sports.
I think there’s so much fear today among parents about college admissions, and there’s a pervasive belief that athletes are more likely to get into “good” colleges than artists are (though I’m not actually sure if that’s true!) Also, I think that many schools value sports more than they value the arts, which reinforces this notion. My son was on the JV soccer team this year and I was shocked at how much support the team had from the school. The school’s arts programs definitely do not get as many resources.
Gender conditioning is also a factor here — it’s more socially acceptable for girls to be into the arts than boys, which is extremely unfortunate (and reflected in my own kids’ interests).
The part of your book Hello, Cruel World that I read most eagerly was the middle section, on connection; your discussion of ways to help kids develop empathy and build relationships really resonated with me. Are you aware of any compelling research about how participation in the arts can help kids develop some of these skills?
Yes! I wrote in my Substack about research suggesting that music and dance build compassion in kids. Studies suggest that acting in synchrony with others builds perspective-taking skills and makes kids more compassionate and helpful. There are various theories as to why this happens. One idea is that children feel more aligned with, and have more rapport for, others they have moved in sync with. Moving in time with others may also help kids tune into how those people feel and what they might need.
Are your kids involved in any musical pursuits? And what do they think about your musical interests? Will they be attending any of your performances in the coming year?
My kids support my singing and have been to some of my choir performances, but they don’t love them. Now I give them the choice to attend (and last time, they did not).
My son took cello lessons for several years when he was in elementary school, but he lost interest and asked to quit. It was hard, because I really want my kids to share my passion for music, but I know from the research that there’s value in allowing kids to quit to make room for new activities (and new potential passions). He also played the trombone in the school band for a few years, but recently quit that too.
My daughter used to take private piano lessons and then asked to quit, but now she’s asking for lessons again because she has discovered a love for singing and theater. She’s in her school choir and just found out she made the All-County chorus, which will perform next month. She also played Shere Khan (the tiger nemesis) in an elementary production of The Jungle Book musical last year and loved that so much. So I think she, like me, has officially been bitten by the music bug. I’ve taken her out to karaoke with me a few times, too, which has been a fun and wonderful bonding experience.
Interviewing Melinda made me want to double-down on one of my new year’s resolutions, which was to start playing the piano again. I don’t have a lot of time to devote to hobbies at the moment, and I am very rusty, but I don’t think that’s an excuse for not developing one! For more on the excuses you might be using to avoid your own hobby, check out this recent post from Marina Cooley and I suspect you’ll find you have no more excuses!